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| glimpses... sometimes we get a glimpse of what love is like, sometimes
its a glimpse of the joy of friendships, sometimes it's a glimpse of
heartache, and sometimes it's a glimpse of truth...
this past week, i've been given numerous glimpses of truth. It's quite
ridiculous actually, the things I pursue in my life are so frivilous. I
chase after prestige, love, friendships, worldly and christian respect,
money, intimacy, and pleasure. Before you get all fired up about
desiring God and how God is most glorified when we are most satisfied,
i wholeheartedly agree with that statement. So often I pursue pleasure
in the wrong capacity though, probably about 95% of the time.. and then
there's that 5%. Those glimpses when God reveals so clearly to me what
life is about. The fragility and futility of life is so heartbreaking,
that I realize the only thing that matters is people coming to know our
Lord and Savior. So let us continue brethren, weeping and pleading
before our Lord for the souls of those around us and those who we so
deeply love.
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| inadequacy... the fear inside all of us..
One of my biggest "fears" is feeling highly inadequate. It's one of
those things that manifests itself in so many different areas of your
life. At work, I want to know wha I'm doing and how to do it. Even with
the most helpful people around me, I never want to be one of those
people who need to ask questions CONSTANTLY... or at school, i never
wanted to fail.. (who does) but yea.. or even when it comes to church
and God.. in evangelism, i'm always terrified that some one I share
with will completely expose how utterly inadequate my understanding of
the bible is. Or perhaps in trying to play guitar, I'd rather not try
to play on worship team because I know how bad I am compared to so many
others. So in response to my fear, I hide, I'm afraid to take risks, or
I secretly practice things on my own so i'll look competent later on
and hide my inadequacy...
the funny thing is.... i feel like inadequate people are exactly who
God desires. I see him reaching out to the poor, the downtrodden, the
diseased, and the broken. He's not mingling with the movers and shakers
of the world. He loves people who depend on Him, and who make much of
Him. I can imagine God's face smiling when people pray with faith and
depend on His strength. It's absolutely beautiful the way God has
flipped our world's system upside down. God loves to be our savior, our
rescuer... and he's the only competent one.
And yet, realizing these things, I still can't help but fight my
inadequacy. I have an interview with the Giants Legal Counsel tomorrow,
two of the smartest and brightest people at the Giants... and later at
night, we "get" to mingle with the Board of DIrectors at the Giants
Community Fund - a plethora of the most influential and powerful people
in San Francisco. So i'm deathly scared of looking like a little kid
not knowing anything, and feeling highly inadequate next to these
people. I believe God is using this situation to teach me how to
embrace inadequacy and continue my reliance on Him alone, instead of
the God given strength I so often label as my own. Now, I have genuine
excitement for tomorrow. Not for who I'm gonna meet, but knowing that
God is using all these butterflies and nerves in my body to bring
Himself glory. Thanks God.
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| Random tidbits of my life....
you know you can't get enough of college life when... you're still going to LTC the year after your graduate =) wahooooo!!
this friday, i get to take batting practice and do fielding drills ON
THE FIELD at SBC Park. yea baby.. i better bring a glove..
i started hitting the gym again tonight.. pumping that iron to build
vanity in my life.. haha, jk, it's good for you, and more importantly,
hopefully it'll teach me to discipline my body for the purposes of
Godliness...
speaking of discipline though... anybody interested in the AIDS
marathon? training starts mid-June.. and the race is in Honolulu in
December.. 26 miles!! i know there has to be someone out there that
wants to run it with me..
speaking of honolulu.. (yes, i'm very much a stream of consciousness
type person)... i'm HALFWAY to going back ... steve's family friends
told the two of us, that we can come back and visit them only if we
bring our girlfriends.. problem at the time was that neither of us had
one. HOWEVER, steve took care of that problem.... and now it's up to
me... hmm. i hope you're not in a big rush to go bro =P
speaking of after all... after tonight is a bright new sunny day. After
the bright new sunny day is many more to come until the seasons change.
Much longer after that is adult life, marraige life, parent life,
elderly life, and then death. But after death is heaven! wahoo! let's
rejoice.
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| It's so easy to caught up in my own life. Be it the pain, the joys, the
frustrations, or the anxiety.. I'm constantly thinking about myself. I
used to think that I needed to always be joyful to praise God - that if
God's joy was in me, then I should have a smile on my face. I soon
learned that it didn't work. God quickly showed me how I just couldn't
do that. He gave me situations in which there was so much pain that I
just couldn't smile, but through that, God taught me how to praise and
embrace those moments. For that, I am eternally grateful.
It's funny, I was originally going to xanga about how its so easy
to make an idol out of myself, and how I get so wrapped up with making
everything in my life fall into place. Then, I was going to say that I
wish I could be "Lost in Wonder" as the song lyrics below show.
But, by God's grace, as I reflect upon those moments of pain that I
wrote about earlier, I can't help but praise. God's hand and God's
comfort is so vivid in my mind. The pain brought me to a point of such
brokenness that it allowed my clouded heart to finally see more of God.
And now, even as I remember those moments, God has sovereignly answered
my prayer of a few moments ago. He has captured my heart and confounded
me with his glory and grace yet again.
LOST IN WONDER
by Martin Layzell
You chose the cross with every breath
The perfect life, the perfect death
You chose the cross
A crown of thorns you wore for us
And crowned us with eternal life
You chose the cross
And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death you rose again
I'm lose in wonder, lost in love
I'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven
I am restored
You loosed the cords of sinfulness
And broke the chains of my disgrace
You chose the cross
Up from the grave victorious
Youse rose again so glorious
You chose the cross
The sorrow that surrounded you was mine
"Yet not my will but Yours be done" You cried
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| so i got one of the coolest grad gifts today -
a couple of starbucks gift cards with exactly $6.18 on each of them
(clever =P).. annnnddd.. a stick of sunblock which I have promised to
use.
you rock gary - thanks!
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